Tag: Surreal Humor

Episode Twenty One – Panic!

Published May 17, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw freaks out pondering edible zombie plants, conjectures it might be Paul McCartney & Hawkwind keeping us all breathing, and reveals how the inventor of anime, Swiss Mister Carl Gustav Jung, plays in to the whole NWA/Sting rivalry.

Taking in Van Halen (of course), ‘Drop Dead Legs’, Jimmy Page, JJ Fad, The Smiths, ‘Panic’, plants, breathing, David Lee Roth, The Beatles, Wings, Empire Strikes Back, Aerosmith, Steven Tyler, Pet Shop Boys, Love & Rockets, Thomas Pynchon, The Police, The Corrs, Britney Spears, carbon dioxide, oxygen, hawks, and much more etc.

“I’m in a bit of a tizzy today, man. I just don’t get it, ya know. I mean we breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. But ya know, when we breathe out, that breathe is still right there in front of us… to breathe right back in! So how are we not like dying of carbon dioxide overdoes within minutes? Unless you know like you’re breathing out really heavy, ya know like that line Roth sings in Drop Dead Legs ‘gettin’ ready’ etc. And then again Drop Dead is right there, in the title ya know. I mean your legs would be the first to go. Bucklin’ right under once you stop breathin’. Unless like you know you’re expelling with your mouth some kinda like jet propulsion to get the exhale far enough away while allowing new air to rush in and take its place ,and I mean it’s gotta be like oxygen-packed air. Can’t be the carbon dioxide exhales of the person standin’ next to you, even if it is David Lee Roth! And I mean there’s so many people in the world these days, all that carbon dioxide is right there just waitin’ – for your nose or your mouth, whichever way you wanna go, I’m not gonna judge – I mean there’s so many times where it’s just people, no trees or even tiny house plants in sight to absorb it all up. I mean woah I just don’t know. How does life keep goin’ on? And if everyone starts worryin’ about this they’ll be taking even shorter breaths you know, panic everywhere, I mean Morrissey prolly knew about this. Panic on the streets of London, Birmingham, all those places… Dundee? Done deal, ya know. Carlisle Ostend Ottawa, CO2 ya know… No wonder everyone’s so depressed all the time ya know with death only minutes away… Everytime you breathe it’s just a continual cycle, you know… Let The Circle Be Unbroken, that old folk song that Pentangle did. Though there are no angles in a circle. But you gotta break it, you know. Lest we all just keep breathin’ in carbon dioxide…

It’s a shame that plants don’t continue to breathe out once they’re already dead so you know like as you’re chewing they’re givin’ you the oxygen hook-up. In a very intimate fashion too. I mean that’d be cool if it worked that way – edible zombie plants ya know. But I don’t know man, I mean they say you get the most nutrients outta plants if you eat ‘em straight after pickin’ ‘em from the dirt you know. But I mean isn’t dirt just a whole bunch of decomposing dead bodies and excrement ya know? I mean I just don’t understand how life carries on you know. Even with that My Chemical Romance song to keep us goin’. Unless it’s all, I mean they talk about things just being a simulation… Or we’re all just imaginin’ this… Though why are we imaginin’ bein’ so close to death all the time? And if we’re imaginin’ this, why aren’t we imagining getting the original Van Halen back together? I mean I get it, in 1985 some prankster storyteller thought maybe we needed a little more drama in the world, something to compete with Live Aid, they thought I know, we’ll have Dave leave for a while. Without tellin’ everyone else to start imaginin’ gettin’ him back in the band a.s.a.p. I mean he couldn’t have wished to inflict us all with 22 years of that, could he have? And who was this fellow? I don’t mean to imply it was a member of The Who but ‘who’ is just really the only word I could use there to ask the question. Or why aren’t we imagining an infinite number of Van Halens? Playing an infinite number of water parks owned by Jimmy Page. Just the one Jimmy Page I think, you know. All comes together too cause Eddie said that it was seein’ Zeppelin with Page using his right hand as a sort of capo while his left hand wandered up and down the neck that gave Eddie the idea for finger tappin’. Ya know Page could be pumpin’ oxygen out into the park, ya know. Maybe get one of those negative ion distributors, orgone accumulators like that Hawkwind song, ya know. Hawkwind, maybe that’s what’s keeping us alive. All the hawks flyin’ by gettin’ the air flowin’. Maybe there are like supersonic hawks, like that JJ Fad song ya know ‘Super Sonic’ etc. That’s a jam, man… But tiny supersonic hawks who just cruise by, redistributin’ the oxygen in the jetstreams. And that’s why we’re all livin’. They got that Space Ritual, ya know. I mean if anything life is just a space ritual. Our third planet from the Sun. Suspended in all that infinite darkness, phooo! I tell you I’m gettin’ terrified just talking about it! Let’s get back to Hawkwind. Lemmy playin’ bass on my favourite album, well studio album, of theirs, Doremi Faso Latido, before goin’ on to do Motorhead, ya know. Motorhead also moving quite fast, gettin’ the air goin’, though there you got an issue with all the pollution it’s bringin’ in. But Hawkwind’s got that Warrior On The Edge of Time album, wooo-awww crazy you know. But I mean maybe by then it’ll all be electric cars. Imagine like The Cars then decidin’ to do an acoustic album. But until then ya know how are these hawks flyin’ so fast? Are they metal hawks? Is there technology involved? I mean I know nothing whatsoever of Airport Air Traffic Radar Control ya know. I start thinkin’ about it and I just start singin’ that Paul McCartney song Jet, ya know. Ya know by Wings. Ya know what’s crazy is that The Beatles… already had Wings. Was he like just parin’ it down to an essence? I mean is he responsible for these supersonic metal hawks, keepin’ us breathin’ all these years? Cause I mean I doubt they’re giant hawks, that would be crazy. I mean in order to move fast enough, and right past our noses and mouths – again I’m not gonna judge – but you know without knicking up our face they’d have to be real small hawks ya know. Like hummingbirds. You know hummingbirds flap their wings like a million times a minute like that Pet Shop Boys song One In A Million is just about one of those, like the smallest unit of time still able to be captured in song form. Like try contemplatin’ that. Get your breath real still, allow the bird to do their work, sweep up you know, in more ways than one. But like hummingbirds, I mean if you hum etc. Back In The U.S.S.R., ya know. Then you just got all that carbon dioxide stuck in your mouth and you can’t let it out cause your lips are shut! And ‘di’ is right there in the word, literally. Without the oxygen part it’s just be carbon, you know like Han Solo in ‘Empire Strikes Back’. Imagine if like every time we breathed out we were immediately frozen in carbonite! I mean that would get tedious! And someone hadda come and chip us away, ya know like that Aerosmith song Chip Away The Stone, you know. I always liked that song, got the word ‘promenade’ in it, but I mean how can you even think about promenading when you’re worried that with every exhale you’re gonna be frozen in carbonite and Boba Fett’s gonna come cart you away before Steven Tyler can show up with his chisel? And if everyone’s gettin’ frozen immediately including Aerosmith, well then how does that happen? Well I guess they’ve got that all figured out. It’s right there in their name ya know. I mean they do have that rollercoaster, ya know… And livin’ on the edge, ya know, of being seen and unseen. Amazing he had time for all this and American Idol. But is this just happening on a continuous cycle, you know like on average 10-12 times a minute for every one of our breaths. And there’s just an infinite number of incredibly fast Stephen Tylers with an infinite number of chisels…

It seems like this isn’t actually happenin’, but then again it would be happenin’ so fast that we wouldn’t be aware of it ya know? Like the little hawks that help us breathe, but then again how does that play in ya know? If the hawks are helpin’ us breathe then maybe this isn’t happenin’. Maybe before the hawks came into being this is what was goin’ on. Maybe this is what Empire Strikes Back was all about ya know. I mean who knows?! That happened a long long time ago, as it says at the beginning of the film, in a galaxy far far away, ya know. But maybe it’s a metaphor about here on Earth. Ya know like that Love & Rockets song Here On Earth, from the Earth Sun Moon album. Ya know talkin’ about galaxies again, Rockets, Rocket Juice To The Moon ya know, like Damon from Blur and Flea and well of course old Tommy P! I wonder what he has to say about this ya know? Maybe he should write some short stories about it, I mean isn’t there that Britney song Breathe On Me? Ya know there’s all that Britney stuff in Bleeding Edge… And of course she named her In The Zone album after part 3 of Gravity’s Rainbow. I wonder if that Corrs song Leave Me Breathless is precisely about all this… Coors ya know, the silver bullet, killin’ werewolves and all that ya know… And then there’s Every Breath You Take, ya know The Police. With that bumblebee guy, Sting ya know. I did think it was a bit childish for The Police to reform just to release that song F N. W. A., ya know. I did like how they they made it an acronym though to avoid the language but ya know maybe they were just doin’ that to get radio play. And I mean don’t you put an Ice Cube on a bee Sting? But I mean Every Breath You Take was Stingy takin this ya know, this wild carbonite theory, I mean he was readin’ lots of Jung at the time. Not, not this Young, ya know, Young Southpaw… but old Carl Gustav, ya know. Swiss mister, ya know, inventor of anime. Maybe this whole being unable to breathe is just a metaphor for what’s going on in our subconscious. But I mean supersonic bees, that would be rad too. I mean bees should really get in on this just cause it’s a cool thing to do. I mean anything with wings. There’s probably a whole other incredibly fast world that we’re completely unaware of. Incredibly small too. And it’s not like we can just use a microscope to see it, we’d need like a microscope for Time itself. Not that magazine. Well unless there’s a whole other level to the magazine I don’t know about ya know, with those QR codes they have nowadays. But ya know like Time, measured by clocks. Again like in Switzerland. Amazing we ever got around to inventin’ the clock with being frozen by carbonite so much of the time. But since it seems to be on a regular interval, that’s prolly where the inspiration – pun somewhat intended there – came from. I mean I’m not a scientist. But I do love that Guided By Voices song. But I mean look at us having made it thru this podcast without dyin’ of carbon dioxide poisoning.”

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Episode Twenty – Lions

Published April 25, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw traces the early days of wildcats playing professional sports, David Bowie’s obsession with this phenomenon, plus the great feline foray into jazz and movie-making as the secret history of The Wizard Of Oz comes to light

Taking in lions, tigers, bears, Duran Duran, football, soccer, baseball, Def Leppard, Prohibition, the roaring 20’s, Detroit, Rockport MA, Helmut’s Strudel, Lowenbrau, Katy Perry, William The Refrigerator Perry, William Parry, Wire, T.S. Eliot, C.S. Lewis, and much more…

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Episode Nineteen- Nietzsche, Time-Traveling Wu Tang Fan

Published April 19, 2019

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“He doesn’t wanna be bogged down with inventing cinema as well as bending the rules of physics, he just wants to get in his time machine and go to the movies…we’ve all been there…”

In which Young Southpaw queries if Nietzsche invented the Wu Tang Clan leading him to become a prototype for Dr. Who, wonders who the German philosopher was trying to bring to China to beat Wham! to it, and reveals ol’ Zarathustra’s plans for a highly irregular James Bond film.

Taking in European currency, the TARDIS, 36 Chambers, Shao Lin & Wu Tang, Intellivision, Cheers, ELO, Jeff Lynne, Elton John, Carl Douglas, Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting, Kung Fu Fighting, Enter The Dragon, New Order, Power Corruption & Lies, Beyond Good & Evil, Twilight Of The Idols, RZA, Simon Napier Bell, James Bond, Nelson Algren, The Man With The Golden Arm, T. Rex, Marc Bolan, Tony! Toni! Toné!, Metal Guru, China, etc.

“The German philosopher Nietzsche said ‘Without music life would be a mistake’ That’s a really beautiful sentiment, you know. And he said this in the 1880’s. I mean imagine that, he didn’t have any streaming services you know. He didn’t even have an ipod! If he wanted to experience music he hadda go to some sort of orchestral hall or sumthin. And I mean, what if he wanted to see the Wu Tang Clan ya know? I mean he woulda had to first invent a time machine… And then travel, and he’d of had to figure out their tour dates ahead a time. I doubt he woulda like invented his time machine and been able to second guess where and when they were playin’, and just landed there and walked right in. And let’s not forget he woulda had like 1880 German deutschmarks. He woulda somehow have had to convert those to American money. Actually this was well before deutschmarks and I believe he was living in Italy when Twilight of the Idols, which had that quote, was published, so it probably woulda been like Italian lire. But I think you’ll find the point still stands. And too you know both them Germany and Italy been on the Euro for years ya know. And then I mean first he’d even have to invent the concept of the Wu Tang, did – did Nietzsche invent the Wu Tang Clan? You know, in order for him to want to go see them, he would’ve first have had to know about them. But I mean he coulda had a vision too, ya know. A prophetic dream perhaps. That seems more likely than him thinkin of the phrase 36 chambers and then inventing it all from there. I mean, would his time machine have 36 chambers? That’d be crazy, that’d be huge you know, for the first time machine ever invented. Imagine that, he shows up, sees Dr. Who with the TARDIS and thinks nothin of it, ya know. He’s like ‘I can do that, why don’t they give me my own television show, ya know’ And if that’s what he’s thinkin’, I would imagine he would have then immediately invented Intellevision, jumped back in his ship to the late 70s and started that company. I mean I guess you can take diversions like that ya know even if his trip was originally to see Wu Tang he can just program his ship back to the show. Cause like when he learns about all those kung fu movies then he has to go back to the early 80s to watch them, well he probably doesn’t ‘have’ ‘to’, but he gets overexcited and wants to see them in the cinema when they come out. Also check on how Intellevision’s doing, figure out how he can bring all those profits back to 1880’s Europa…

At some point he hops back to 1978 too to see the cinematic release of the 36 Chambers film. Wondering ya know if its based on or if they even mention his time machine. Which he’s nicknamed Diane, I mean you never hear about that in the official history of Cheers though that might have been a whole different show if it had been a time-travelin’ interdimensional bar ya know…

And he has such a good time after attendin’ the world premieres of that and Shao-Lin and Wu-Tang he decides he wants to see Enter The Dragon – I mean who doesn’t! – in the cinema when it comes out. So he heads back and with Shao Lin in his head he somehow hears about Jeff Lynn and ELO and this is a whole other trip, ya know… in more ways than one. And he decides to stick around again and revisit the late 70s, ya know and pay more attention when it gets real poppy. And he’s tryin’ to reconcile how kung fu doesn’t really go with Mr. Blue Sky but it’s a great song, ya know. But Last Train To London I mean maybe like the Wu were playin over in Wembley and he combined them all there and he’s like ‘this is magic, this is strange magic’ ya know…

But I mean maybe it, it happened the other way around, ya know. That back in the 1880’s, Nietzsche was thinkin of these kung fu films, I mean maybe, maybe, like ya know kung fu was around then… And maybe he was like man someone should invent some sort of celluloid that captures these. And ya know without thinkin’ that he could make a lot of money doin this, makin film and whatnot, he’s like I just wanna see ‘em, I gotta know for myself. I mean in my mind he’s pretty impetuous, ya know. So instead of just going and watching live kung fu somewhere, he wants plot, and selfless that he is, combined with the impetuousness, he doesn’t even think the story of a man building a time machine would in and of itself make a great film. He doesn’t wanna be bogged down with inventing cinema as well as bending the rules of physics, he just wants to get in his time machine and go to the movies, we’ve all been there. So like he heads to the 1970s and he’s just watchin all these kung fu films you know. And then he learns about ELO. But then he gets real into record collectin’. Maybe he decides to wait, go with it, maybe he’s hearing all the early hip-hop and he’s thinkin’ I know what’s comin’, and not even because he’s been to the future yet. Just thinkin’ I’m gonna ride this out… Just so happens he gets hooked up with a sweet bachelor pad in Staten Island, ya know, quickly filling up with vinyl. I mean he wrote music back in Germany but he’s not trying to produce any of this music himself, he’s just havin’ too good a time. And like maybe he had some vision of the RZA and is just content to wait it out til he gets on the scene. I mean to Nietzsche this is like vacation ya know. Well not like the Chevy Chase film though I mean it coulda been that Nietzsche was thinkin of opening his own movie theater, have like a double-header of Spies Like Us and Fist Of Fury on weekends ya know. But I mean he’s got his time machine, he can go back to the very day, the very second he left ya know…

I mean I don’t really know which way around it happened. Was it the films or the music first for Nietzsche ya know? The chicken or the wait that’s kung pao… But there must be a chicken pose ya know…

And maybe ya know, he was there the day New Order’s Power Corruption & Lies came out. Snatched that right up. Inspired him to write Beyond Good & Evil, ya know. Maybe went back and wrote it then came back again, wanted to see it live you know. I wonder how he felt cause back then they were only doin like 45 minute sets, no encore. I wonder if he thought it was worth it, maybe he saw em every night of the tour, maybe…maybe…maybe he got like real busy and he was just time travelin back and forth, he didn’t wanna wait, ya know. Once the concert ended he just pinged himself back to mid-19^th century Germany… or France, or Switzerland, or Italy, wherever he was livin at the time. Though the phrase ‘at the time’ is getting to be quite fluid, ya know. But you know he went back, got a full day of writing in, then fast-forwarded himself – well let’s not forgot getting some sleep, I imagine he’d be a little worn out from all this space-time navigation – so caught some z’s – or is it s’s in German? Huh…I mean sheep starts with an s, well in English anyway…huh…well I think in German too actually… Well either way I think you’d need your rest. I don’t know the effect time travel has on one, but he was a clever… clever man ya know. Maybe the 36 chambers of his version of the TARDIS, the original ya know, O G, well maybe that’s a mystical number and it was set up that way because it actually improves your health while you’re whipping around the eons. So regardless then he fast forwards himself to very beginning of the next show on the tour. I saw New Order at the Hollywood Bowl a few years back and they played for over two hours, it was great man. They did Atmosphere by Joy Division, they did Disorder which is one of my favourite songs. I wonder if Nietzsche went… I mean I didn’t know anybody there… though that’s not entirely true… I ran into my friend Josh completely out of the blue… I wonder if Nietzsche knew that was gonna happen and was havin a little chuckle to himself… But look at me getting’ all arrogant…

Maybe this was before Nietzsche got disillusioned with the whole pop music game, you know. He was just brimmin’ with enthusiasm back in the 70s and maybe he sat down Elton John and Carl Douglas and said ‘look guys I’ve got this song, Saturday Night’s Alright For Kung Fu Fighting’ and you know it really seemed to old Nietzsche – well I shouldn’t say old, I mean he was time travelin like a spry young man – but it really seemed to him like he was gonna be a major player in the music biz. Be like the next Simon Napier Bell, you know. The man who amongst many other things brought Wham! To China. I wonder who Nietzsche woulda brought to China ya know… Man, that woulda been rad you know, if Nietzsche had just persisted and like the two of them had a contest to see who would perform live in China first. Maybe Nietzsche had his eye on like David Sylvian’s Japan doing it… or like Tony Toni Tone for an all the T in China tour! Though he woulda hadda bring them back in the time machine if he was gonna beat Wham! to it. And the more people you get involved in that the more dangerous it gets… But back to Saturday Night’s Alright For Kung Fu Fighting, Nietzsche was just heartbroken ya know cause Elton John and Carl Douglas decided to just divide up the song and not even mention Nietzsche. Claimin’ you know that dividin’ it up changes the whole idea of it and the melodic structure so Nietzsche wasn’t owed any royalties. Got no credit for it whatsoever ya know…

But I mean if he was goin’ backwards and forwards in time anyway, he coulda grabbed Toni Tony Tone and then gone back to like 1972 and pulled in T Rex for this All The T In China tour. Or even just back to 1976, still plenty of time to beat Wham! with Futuristic Dragon you know. The whole astrological aspect of it, released in the year of the Dragon too. Or maybe he just did both ya know. And maybe that T Rex song Metal Guru was written about Nietzsche. You know he wrote about the Greeks quite a bit, had his own mythology, and there is no real record of what he was talking about in the pubs of the early 70s. Maybe he was inspirin’ the local heavy metal bands, ya know. And Marc Bolan just saw him one day and was all ‘look at that metal guru, sittin’ over there,’ ya know…

I mean I wonder if it was all – cause he was a busy man, bein’ involved in all these aspects of music – I wonder if he was claimin’ he didn’t have enough time to watch tv. Never, never really saw Dr. Who, but then like suddenly he’s wearin’ a cape, like Jon Pertwee you know. And his friends just ain’t buyin’ this. But Nietzsche’s claimin’ it’s just part of the magical lore for this heavy metal guru gig that he’s doin’…

But funnily enough the whole China thing did end up bein’ Wham! You know…which is like the action you would make if you were to bang a gong you know. But then Nietzsche’s all, he’s thinkin’ outside of the box. He’s watchin’ all these kung fu movies and he gets real into James Bond too ya know. And after Live And Let Die – he sure likes the early 70s ya know – he’s got this genius idea that The Man With The Golden Gun, ya know the book was never really finished so why don’t they just make a James Bond movie of Nelson Algren’s The Man With The Golden Arm? But have it be about a Kung Fu master, you know. Sounds like it’d be quite a difficult task to get right, but with all the time travelin he’s done you know he’s prolly thinkin’ I can do such things like go into the future and bring the whole Wu Tang Clan back to 1973. Have them collaborate on this Bond theme with Marc Bolan and it will just be the raddest thing ever you know….

But I mean all this is conjecture ya know, cause we do have solid proof that it didn’t happen. Cause I mean if he had heard that RZA as Bobby Digital album, there’s no way that wouldn’t have found his way into his writings, ya know, been incorporated into his philosophy. But then again, I mean I say that, but he knows how precious it is, he wouldn’t want to spook everybody. I mean even with his 36 chambered time machine, he knew he couldn’t take everyone into the future. That if everyone went into the future then we woulda skipped all that stuff that made the future ya know. And you don’t wanna run the risk of that. I mean what if you do and like those films never get made? You never enter the dragon you know… Or chase the dragon like the bad guys in that film… Or just listening to that first Suede album ya know…

Though ya never know…cause I’ve heard that in certain areas of Bavaria… in the 1890s… the phrase ‘bring da mutter-flippin’ rucksack’ enjoyed an unexplainable surge in popularity. But you know, could it have been because…well…”

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Episode Eighteen – Van Halen Child (Slight Return)

Published April 5, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw further explores Van Halen numerology, catching a glimpse of their shamanistic bilocation attempts in the Van Hagar era, conjectures what each of Earth Wind & Fire’s solo albums would be like, expresses his wish for Swedish singer Robyn to cover Robyn Hitchcock’s ‘I Often Dream Of Trains’ album in its entirety as ‘I Often Dream Of Trains Too’, and much more.

Taking in 1984, 5150, OU812, For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge, Van Halen II, Women & Children First, Fair Warning, “Fare Warning”, ‘Top Of The World’, Mr. Solo, The Offspring, Wilson Phillips, Nelson, The Go-Betweens, Jesus Jones, Jimi Hendrix, German, the soft J, Amon Düül II, Ash Ra Tempel, Julian Cope, ‘Yeti’, yams, yaks, Stevie Ray Vaughan, David Bowie, the US Festival, Tom Baker, Dancing In The Street, Black Sabbath, Superchunk, Aerosmith, The Ramones, Bad Brains, Fugazi, The Replacements, Hanoi Rocks, Kraftwerk, a-Ha, Led Zeppelin, trains, ‘Crazy Train’, etc.

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Episode Seventeen – She Sells Sanctuary Down By The Seashore

Published March 28, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw wishes The Cult would use Billy Dee Williams in their marketing campaigns, brazenly wonders about Thomas Pynchon’s footwear, and posits that the next Star Wars film may well be the sequel to Beach Blanket Bingo or at least should be

Taking in James Bond, the Singles soundtrack, Van Halen, the Pynchon in Public podcast, George Perec, palindromes, stripey socks, Mad Max, Tina Turner, etc.

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Episode Sixteen – Standing On The Verge Of ‘Friends’ In Space

Published March 16, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw questions the veracity of Elton John’s claims, explores the more obscure Friends episodes, and wonders if the New York and San Francisco Giants are in an immortal league of their own.

Taking in Chris Elliott’s Get A Life, R.E.M., The Jetsons, The Wizard Of Oz, Australia, Ionescu, Mr. Bean, Custer’s Last Stand, Custard’s Last Stand, Custard, Led Zeppelin, Stand By Me, Weekend At Bernie’s, Oasis, Jack & The Beanstalk, Frank Baum, Pink Floyd, etc.

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Episode Fifteen – Threading The Saltwater Boards

Published March 7, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw ponders how Mediterranean bees might give rise to a World Basketball League played on rafts, realizes the need for a regulation committee to keep players’ moustaches looking pre-1913, and ol’ President “Saltwater” Taft’s role in all this.

Taking in Burt Reynolds, Guided By Voices, golf, Greece, Ouzo, “All Greek To Me”, bathtub gin, bathtub djinns, world leaders’ facial hair, CBGB’s, Kingsley Amis, James Bond, Colonel Sun, Ian Fleming, Robert Markham, Asterix, Getafix, Aphrodite’s Child, Destiny’s Child, Hawaii, water, Ohio, etc.

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Episode Fourteen – French 89 RPM

Published March 1, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw explores how putting honey in pie might lead to time-traveling Van Halen record-shopping binges, EMF predicted the short-lived baking drill craze of 1991, and The Birthday Party really missed a trick by not having Nick Cave change his last name to Cake.

Taking in Cake, The Beatles, kale, Mötley Crüe, Mr. Big, Herb Alpert, Ginger Baker, Mercury Rev, ‘Apple Peaches Pumpkin Pie’, and much more.

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Episode Thirteen – Jimmy Page’s Water Park

Published February 22, 2019

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In which Young Southpaw elaborates on the theory that Led Zeppelin’s final U.S. tour in 1977 was just an excuse for Jimmy Page to scout locations for a water park in Ohio, proposes that Johnny Marr should have played guitar for Ozzy Osbourne, clarifies that Samuel Taylor Coleridge was NOT in Duran Duran, takes a peek at the alternate universe where Lookout! Records released the Coverdale/Page album, and much more…

Taking in Family Ties, Scrabble, Christopher Columbus, Sandy Denny, occult symbolism, William Burroughs, Aleister Crowley, Iron Maiden, Judas Priest, Mötley Crüe, Guns N Roses, Def Leppard, RATT, Tom Petty, Shania Twain, Metallica, AC/DC, Deep Purple, KISS, Van Halen, The Electric Slide, The Cure, Wet Wet Wet, etc.

“Drive throughs…would be a whole lot more fun, you know..if water slides were involved. Of the ways that this could go, I mean it’s like a cow’s stomach, there’s a lot of ‘em.. But imagine you’re going to get some food, you drive up and order, then park your car, and you get out and go on a water slide. And at the end they give you your food, that sounds amazin’. Or maybe after you order you give your keys to a valet who then drives it to the end of the water slide so it’s waiting for you after you’ve gone down and then eaten. Or like at water parks you could place your order at the top of the water slide then you shoot down and someone passes it out to you just as you’re about to hit the bottom so you can like slide into the end and then walk out just chompin’ down on whatever you ordered you know. Or you know there could be like a big pool at the end where you can relax on a tube and enjoy your meal while you’re floatin’. They’d time it right so it doesn’t get all wet, I mean these are professionals. And you just pay attention to the simple instructions you know…

But this starts from even before we were even born, you know. Comin outta the womb, I mean you mighta had some thoughts… Maybe, maybe you placed some orders in the womb, who can remember that far back? Maybe just orders in the metaphysical sense, like what you expected outta life. And you slide out and…well, maybe eventually…though you might not even know when they’re realized, or maybe you do, you get this sense of something coming together just beyond your comprehension. And speakin’ of sense, are we in a sense, what our parents ordered? Will there need to be some umbilical cord at the water parks to ensure a safe passing off, maybe the first time you do it? Then you gotta cut that thing but the family ties still remain but not in a strictly physical sense anymore. Remember that episode of Family Ties where they’re playin’ Scrabble, and Stephen’s gettin’ all obsessed with the game as is his wont? And he insists that zoquo is a word, you know, from the Greek, meaning ‘water sports’. Well hello theme park! And we were just talkin’ about the mysteries of life, I mean that’s prolly what Zeppelin 4 was all about. I mean who knows the actual name of that record? It seems to be untitled, but people call it Led Zeppelin 4. The band themselves just say ‘the fourth album’. Some say the name is the four symbols on it, and I’ve heard others just say Zoso, which you know, was Jimmy Page’s symbol. I mean it can’t be just a coincidence that Zoso and Zoquo, what Stephen Keaton was sayin’, sound so much alike. I mean this is just one of those incidents when the true meaning of things pops up later in the most unexpected places. Cause if you look at the last Zeppelin tour of America, 1977, they played two nights in Cincinnati, Ohio – shout out to the Afghan Whigs – and then two nights in Richfield, Ohio. That’s a lotta time in one state. And that’s where the Keatons were from, Columbus, Ohio. Named after Christopher Columbus I would guess, double C you know. That’s two hundred in Roman numerals, and we had just had the bicenntenial in 1976 the year before the Zeppelin tour. Well I mean, I think it’s obvious. Jimmy Page was usin’ the tour as cover while he scouted locations in Ohio for his own water park.. Probably pickin up the mantle from Columbus, who hadn’t had the time to find the ideal location for one, and although that may have been his mission, after sailin’ across the Atlantic I imagine the last thing he might wanna do is go down a water slide. Especially if he’d have to build one first. And we were sayin’ before about the four symbols on Zeppelin 4 but actually there’s 5! You know Sandy Denny, sang on Battle Of Evermore. Well she got a symbol too. The three downward pointing triangles. And you know what the downward triangle represents – well, water of course – at least in occult symbolism. You know the upwards triangle is Fire, like that Hendrix song that the Real Red Hot Chili Peppers later covered you know, and makes sense cause fire is both red and hot.

I mean I have heard it conjectured, and now you will have too, that the only reason Jimmy Page was into the Dark Arts, as they call ‘em, you know all that occult stuff, was cause he was tryin’ to get a water park built, you know. Wanted to do it with the least amount of physical effort you know. And as fast as possible. Makes sense to me. I mean what do you think Goin’ To California was about, the beach over there, or When The Levee Breaks…phew! Could it have been more obvious? You gotta prepare for the worst, hope for the best, prepare for the worst. And you know he could channel all that water into something you know like Five Symbols Over Atlantis. Or Water Slides of The Wholly, but you know Wholly spelt with a W you know W H O L L Y so you keep the, well at least the looks of the Ws you know you know like Wim Wenders. Though there’s no V, or well is there? I mean Houses Of The Holy was the fifth Zeppelin album. Though I imagine this water park of Jimmy Page’s would just be called The Ocean, right? I mean keep it simple, you hire PR people that’s what they would tell you to name it. You could do Down By The Seaside but uh. And then the individual rides you know. I mean you’d have Fool In The Rain, based on the Tarot you know. Start the journey, get you soaked. Or maybe it’s a slight drizzle, I don’t know. Black Mountain Slide more like, you know. Moby Dick, Swan Song, these are all aquatic beings…

And then Stairway To Heaven, what else could that be but climbing up to experience the heaven of goin’ down a waterslide? I mean you were thinkin’ waterslide first time you ever heard that title, no? It’s the perfect description of one, now imagine adding to that, you know, gettin’ food delivered to you at the end. Aaaaaaaaand the satisfaction of placing an order at the top and havin’ it be completed, a wish come true, minutes later. Talk about heaven, that’s like Heaven 17, you know. Took their name from A Clockwork Orange. And then The Soft Machine – will there be vending machines at these water parks? I mean if you’re already getting food delivered to you, but then again they might not be delivered en route from one part of the park to another and you might get thirsty on the way. Well anyway, Soft Machine came from that William Burroughs novel of the same name, and then Steely Dan came from his Naked Lunch. But I mean there’s gotta be rules at these water parks you know, sanitation-wise, you gotta be wearin’ something while you eat…

And I don’t know if Page had the idea about servin’ food on the slides too but you got all those Lemons and Tangerines. And then Custard Pie is the first song on Physical Graffiti. And you got Candy Store Rock on Presence right before the 77 tour. And Hot Dog going into Carouselambra on In Through The Outdoor Door, I’m not sure that could be any clearer about eating at an amusement park of some sort…

And Jimmy Page bought Aleister Crowley’s manor you know, right on Loch Ness but he prolly soon realized that the water’s a bit too cold up there you know. And then Ozzy had that song Mr. Crowley, you know, it’s the same person, spelled exactly the same and referin’ to the same person. Crowley himself said ‘it is pronounced Crow-ley, to remind you that I’m holy, but my enemies say Crowley, and wish to treat me foully’, you know. But it’s a wonder that when Jimmy Page left Led Zeppelin, why he didn’t end up playin’ with Ozzy at some point? Seems like the two had a lot in common, you know. That’d be pretty cool. But you know what I’ve always thought…is that you know when Jake E. Leeeeee left Ozzy’s band in 1987 that was just when the Smiths were winding up. I mean wouldn’t it have been rad if Johnny Marr became Ozzy Osbourne’s next guitar player? You could have ‘The Draizey Train’, you know, ‘Panic on the streets of Birmingham’…

And what about intercom systems, ‘paging Mr. Page’, you know. I imagine that never gets old, at least for the people doin’ it. But how does Jimmy Page himself feel about it? How many times has he heard that? How many times does he have to be called over the PA? But I imagine at his water park, that this might be on his mind. Cause if he’s there while they’re building it, and you’d think if he’s spent so much time and effort getting this together, doing a whole Zeppelin tour as cover, well you’d think he’d be there to supervise the building of it, magical or otherwise. And they’re gonna have occasion to call him over the, the tannoy as they say. And then once it’s open they’ll be usin’ it a lot, cause they’re gonna have to be callin for kids who have lost their parents, or a shoe or somethin’you know. Or is he versed enough in magickal lore to know how to, how to divert these things, to take care of ‘em in a different manner. To send like ethereal scouts to just…maybe never have anybody lose anything you know. Unless like their minds if there’s a concert goin’ on there too you know. Or maybe he could just cast a spell a protection over the whole place or who knows! I don’t know what his plans were, ya know. He had a long career in music that kinda overshadowed all this…

But 1977 was the year of the Fire Snake, year of Punk Rock. Double 7’s. Crowley had that 777, ya know. And then there’s Six Flags Over Atlantis, I mean. You know it’s one of the holy elements you know, in both Eastern and Western mysticism – ‘water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink’. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner, you know. Not the baseball team from Seattle, though it’s interesting they joined the American League in 1977. But Samuel Taylor Coleridge you know. Not one of the Taylors from Duran Duran of course it’s easy to get confused there but then Iron Maiden had that song Rime Of The Ancient Mariner too, ya know from Powerslave. I mean could it be a thing for metal bands to have their own themed water parks? I mean obviously Jimmy Page got there first but I’ve never seen any evidence that he copyrighted the idea. Or maybe you can just have one giant heavy metal water park. Rime Of The Ancient Mariner could be Maiden’s ride. Then you’d have like well, Turbo by Judas Priest. That cover sure looks like a fun slide to go down, that cyclone she’s got in her hand, I mean you’d whip round that. Motley Crue, they could have Wild Slide, ya know, and ya know Too Fast For Love. Ratt – Round and Round, I mean that’s perfect for a water slide. Guns N Roses could recreate that bit in the Estranged video where Axl’s all diving into the ocean you know…

Def Leppard had High N Dy, I mean the cover is a dude divin off a divin board! Maybe they were onto something. I mean the next album was called Pyromania. Well what do you require to put out all that fire? A whole lotta water, as Zeppelin almost sang. And Pyromania starts out with Rock Rock Til You Drop you know…

Tom Petty you know Free Fallin’ and I Won’t Back Down, I can’t think of two better songs that sum up my first experiences with water slides. I remember goin’ and there’s like those ones that are basically a vertical drop. I remember bein’ scared by it all, and Petty really addressed my concerns cause although I was frightened, I definitely wasn’t gonna back down. I mean some would say Petty’s whole career was about water parks, I mean he came from Florida…

But you know gettin’ back to more metal…

Metallica, well they could have…Ride The Lightning. Well, no, I mean that’s not safe mixin’ electricity and water. I mean you don’t wanna be all wet and get struck by lightning, that just seems dangerous. Well it’s dangerous to get struck by lightning anyway…

AC/DC, they got all those High Voltage, Powerage songs, maybe them and Metallica should open an electricity park. Shock Me, you know Kiss gettin’ in on it too, you know the Big, the Big Three. Though I don’t know how an electricity park would work, you know. What you would actually do, but uh, well I don’t know, this prolly isn’t a good idea. I don’t know who would go. You could see Deep Purple tryin to get in on the action too, combining Smoke On The Water you know…

But with electricity there was that whole dance The Electric Slide. I don’t pretend to understand it, I never could get the hang of it, never particularly wanted to, ya know. But I don’t know, I mean did that come about, was that like a test market for Kiss Metallica and AC/DC’s electricity park idea? You never can tell with these things, I mean the music business is a nefarious place, you know. All sorts of things going on at any given time and you know maybe all the music is just a cover you know. Like how Led Zeppelin’s 1977 tour was just to scout locations for water parks. But I mean it brought a lot of people happiness and rock n roll so what’s wrong with that?

But you know speakin’ of AC/DC and Def Leppard, what about Shania Twain? You know Up! Up up up it can only go up from here, etc. I mean imagine if she had like reverse water slides like you start off in the pool at the bottom and then you are somehow transported up to the top and then back down and then up again…Well that sounds a bit far-fetched, you know…

Then there was that whole Coverdale Page project. I mean Whitesnake, you know, that already sounds like a water slide. So does Slip Of The Tongue. Steve Vai on guitar. Well that Coverdale Page album had the Merge road symbol on it, you know, I mean that’d be dangerous. Probably not as dangerous as lightning slides or whatever technology Shania Twain is usin’ but I imagine it’s against the law to have water slides that flow into each other like that. I mean even with the best regulation – lifeguards, lookouts etc. – I imagine if people are cruising down separate tubes at high speeds towards the same part of a water slide – which in music is symbolized by the Coverdale Page album – well I’d think that ‘look out!’ would be yelled quite a bit, and they wouldn’t be talkin’ about Green Day’s first record label. Or you know the alternate universe where LookOut Records were the ones who released the Coverdale Page album, you know, issuing split singles with Operation Ivy and whatnot…

I mean it doesn’t even have to be just metal bands, we’ve already seen it with Shania, Def Lep, and Tom Petty, I mean anybody can open a water park! It’s a free country. Well it is here, I don’t know the rules in Europe but maybe that’s why Jimmy Page was scouting around Ohio. Liberty and justice and water parks for all. I mean that was probably almost the title of Metallica’s fourth album when they realized that water slides would be more profitable than electricity parks. But I mean the Cure could do it, on the Wish album they had From The Edge Of The Deep Green Sea. I mean heck on Disintegration they had The Same Deep Water As You, can’t get anymore blatant than that. AND! right before that was Prayers For Rain, you know, save themselves a lotta money if they’re usin’ natural resources like that. At their water park though I imagine they probably sell versions of the Head On The Door album with the song Sinking, you know quietly removed from the track listing. And the Faith album too has The Drowning Man replaced by their cover of the George Michael song Faith, you know. It’s tricky though with the goths. Does their love of the Cure and the excitement of going to something Cure-themed outweigh their dislike of being out in the Sun in bathing suits? But if it all comes together you’d think The Cure’d make a fortune in suntan lotion…

Then obviously there’s Van Halen, but I mean every water park by default, by the very nature of just being super fun is a Van Halen park, you know

And of course that band Wet Wet Wet should have one, you know. Did they ever cover Hot Hot Hot? I mean that just makes perfect sense to me that that should happen. Perfect sense! I mean of all the things that could ever have happened in the music industry, that seems to be why the music industry should’ve been created in the first place. Though Wet Wet Wet should stress that if they’re servin’ food on their slides you know, that it will not be too soggy to eat”

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